i found out terible news
im scared of it
im afraid of it
i fear it.
i honsestly need someone right now....
worst news ive heard about my own self.
i want to be here longer.........
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
long long long thoughts. just triggered those neurons.
Sometimes I wonder about all that has happened.This really was your fault and I am blaming you I never thought that my first and best "best friend" would have ended up as my first, love, loss, and the first friend that I ever lost. I wonder how you’re doing sometimes and I catch myself missing you. But after I have evaluated myself on where I stand, I just think I don’t care anymore. I sometimes feel those feeling I have of "missing you" are just fake, that I’m trying to keep myself from feeling like a bad guy for not having any feelings of "missing" you. I really don’t care anymore. I don’t hate you; I don’t dislike you, although to be honest I really dislike chantel. I promised you id never hate you, and promised you id always be there. Till this point I still don’t hate you. I never could. But in all I think I have to be the one to break a promise this time. You’ve broken all our promised, push me to the side, you left first, hurt me first, and done everything you could to break me. To be honest with myself I couldn’t feel anything else except pain for such a long time. Till now I feel empty. Hollow less body that moves around listlessly. You really where what kept my hopes up. Too bad so sad right, well for me that is. This time I have to break a promise, not because I want to, or that I have to. I just am. I can’t be there for you like I always planned on. I wanted to. But I can’t. You were the only person that I have ever felt like this for. You the only person that I could ever do this for. You’re that person that in surveys they ask "someone needs you right away would you help them?" you’re the only person who id rush down for no matter where I was, or what time of day it was. I can’t really explain how I feel about you all I know that right now it’s just nothing. Zero, zip Nada. I don’t know if this was me saying these things. I’m at a point where I have never been. You’re where the first person I ever loved; I experienced that feeling for the first time with you. And here you are being the first person I ever felt this feeling of nothing for. Closest I could ever relate this feeling for is like I have never met you before. That I never even knew you existed. Was I really that bothersome to you? Was I really never even worth it? Was I not good enough? Was I that shitty that I couldn’t even have one chance with you? Till now I feel bad for you all the time. Not because I have pity for you, or that you lost the best"bestfriend" you could ever had. I feel bad because after all these hardships mark still hurts you. Till now your pain still moves my heart. I desperately try to find someone who could make me feel whole again. I thought maybe Lauren could fill that hole. Even Aimee and Stacey. In the end I find that no one could ever match up to what you meant to me. I knew and experienced what it meant to have a best friend. When you lose something like that you can’t just replace it. Or I shouldn’t be one to say because you easily replaced me in a heartbeat. You "always" had chantel, and mark, ants, and even aj....in the end when I was all alone again, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders on me you know who I had. No one. I was alone. Till now I still feel like that. I guess that was what i really feel. i feel so sick with myself. and i'll admit i sometimes wanted to "leave" forever. And at one point I was really hoping to move to Japan, because then I’d be gone. And as the saying goes. "Out of sight out of mind" I don’t even know why I’m writing about this. This stuff hasn’t fazed me since May or June. But for some reason everyone has been bringing you up. I want you to know I don’t hate you. I promised you id never hate you and I intend to keep that. I guess you’re just fucking stupid to think I could ever hate you. Sorry for that profanity but after all these years I thought by now you know, after all the times we’ve talked that I could never hate you. I really don’t know why all of a sudden people just started bring you up again. Btw I want you to hang with us, because everyone we hang with. Their your friends too. They miss you and want you to be around. Even if I’m there ill just do what I do best. Fade away, just so you won’t feel troubled, or stressed on. Even know I still do that....idk why. I guess it’s just became habitual. I really feel for Aimee. How aj moved and all. And I feel and see it in her eyes that she wants us to be friends. But I can’t. I don’t think I could ever be friends with you. It’s not that I don’t want to. But how can you just be friends with someone who you’ve loved for so long? I can’t. I’d like more. And there probably isn’t more. Till know I feel mark still doesn’t deserve you. Till know I still think he deserves zip for all that you've done for him. and that you deserve way more. He put you thru so much. I know he was your first love, and that he’s been there through thick and thin. But that doesn’t justify the actions he’s committed. The pain hes brought to you, those tears that fell from those gorgeous eyes of yours. Or the breath it took for you to finally admit that you loved him. I feel less and less for you every day. Probably because we haven’t talked. I’m not going to talk to you. I’m done trying and trying and trying. You probably say you tried too. But did you really. You might think you did but I mean, I had to talk to you after you "just stopped talking to me". Then when I fixed things between us you still "didn’t talk to me". Then after I fixed that you, "started to talk...but not to me. To that other guy Willie". I finally reach that ultimatum I was waiting for. That thing that would finally decide for me whether to try again or not. Your honestly dumb and stupid and nieve and all that for thinking "not talking” will fix everything. That" not talking" was the best solution. That "not talking" wouldn’t make things worse because, idk if you know this but it made it a lot worse. I never seemed to find flaws in you even till the last day we talked. Or even till the last time that I thought about you before just recently. I know you Kat. I know you’re not that "bitch" you claim to be. And I can handle you, better than anyone else. I know you Kat. You’re the only thing I never forgot about. I really did know you.... I guess you just didn’t know me. You thought you were all these things. But without people there that can honestly tell you who you are. You can’t say that you know yourself for real. Cause you may know your outer appearance, but people like me, whos been there, felt your pain, and seen the real you, know just how you are on the real.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
just forget about it. you cant see it so just drop it, i was a fool.
and i can see where your coming from but im sorry, you are making me wait for you, even though you say you arnt. if you cant say it then im forced to wait for you. you think your the only one afraid, i had the hardest time opening up to you. fuck you made me promise to be open with you, and you know what? i did, because you were worth it always. if this is how you want to play it out fine.
and i can see where your coming from but im sorry, you are making me wait for you, even though you say you arnt. if you cant say it then im forced to wait for you. you think your the only one afraid, i had the hardest time opening up to you. fuck you made me promise to be open with you, and you know what? i did, because you were worth it always. if this is how you want to play it out fine.
you know what,
just do whatever you want to do, i tried but your just not ready, you dont want me to push you away fine whatever, just....idk already.
you still dont understand what im trying to get across to you.
you still dont understand what im trying to get across to you.
so im guessing
your lucky atleast you have chantel.
and i know i should have approached you firsts when we fought before, so im sorry. but this time i came up first, and i dont care, because i need you on my life
and you dont want to hurt me anymore well its kinda too late already you did it so many times so dont worry about it anymore, its just shit...and i guess your just going to make me wait until you can talk to me huh?
fine whatever.
and i know i should have approached you firsts when we fought before, so im sorry. but this time i came up first, and i dont care, because i need you on my life
and you dont want to hurt me anymore well its kinda too late already you did it so many times so dont worry about it anymore, its just shit...and i guess your just going to make me wait until you can talk to me huh?
fine whatever.
all i have to say.
is i only comapred myself to him because you always said i was, so eventually i did.
i gave you your space because i knew you really needed it because i did understand what you were going through, i knew you needed your own time and space so i backed off.
but the thing is while i backed off you got close to mark again. and dont say you didnt, everyone saw it and i mean everyone.
i like how you pushed me away and got close to mark again, cause that really showed me a lot of shit.
oh yeah and i like how you say you didnt want to hurt anyone...so you hurt me twice?
you thought that i was selfish, because i didnt understand what you were going through, and i just kept pushing our problem on you when you had so much already to deal with right? it funny because the reason i blew up that time was because i was waiting for you for 3 weeks to say something to me. so im guessing its alright for you to blow up in my face and its not okay for me. i have so much things to say but i wont cause im afraid of hurting you.
yet this whole time you just kept going at it.
and still your afraid to talk to me...wow really its been a month since i've talked to you. i guess you still need your "space" huh.
well have all the space you need then, do whatever you want.
i know you have a lot of things to deal with, so i dont want to be a problem to you anymore.
so do whatever it is you have to do, just forget about me. i told you if i could take your problems away from you i would. i always try so hard with you, but its never enough.
and it just seems like im a continuous problem for you right?
i make your life harder.
wow i must be selfish for saying all this and pushing our problem on you, but if i hadnt brought it back up would we still not be talking.
im trying so hard to mend things idk why.
you were the one to push me away so why am i trying so hard?
it looked like you didnt care you gave up so easily? but yet im still trying to fix things even without your help. i guess its because i really do care for you and im always going to feel this way towards you.
i never judged you and even now im not. every one who tried to help me judged you, yet i find myself always defending you. i dont want to hate you, because i could never.
its okay for you to hate me though, because i did fuck up your life.
im not even that really religious but i find myself praying for you and your family all the time.
so in the end you believe, think, say, judge, whatever what you want of me. i dont care.
im afraid to say it now, thats the one thing that i have become of afraid to come to terms with, so i cant. haha you probably dont want to hear it anyways. cause then id be pushing my feeling on you.
and if you didnt mean it like that what did you mean?
idk im always the one stuck here waiting for answers that i never seem to get.
when i think back to everything, you made me promise to tel you everything so i did, yet you dont ever tell me anything, youd think that id get mad at that, or irritated...but im not you have your reasons, so we'll leve it at that. but yeah im not going to wait for you forever.
and on top of this i'll admit it i caved first, you didnt want to be the one coming to me to fix things so i admit it i caved first. i need you in my life.
i gave you your space because i knew you really needed it because i did understand what you were going through, i knew you needed your own time and space so i backed off.
but the thing is while i backed off you got close to mark again. and dont say you didnt, everyone saw it and i mean everyone.
i like how you pushed me away and got close to mark again, cause that really showed me a lot of shit.
oh yeah and i like how you say you didnt want to hurt anyone...so you hurt me twice?
you thought that i was selfish, because i didnt understand what you were going through, and i just kept pushing our problem on you when you had so much already to deal with right? it funny because the reason i blew up that time was because i was waiting for you for 3 weeks to say something to me. so im guessing its alright for you to blow up in my face and its not okay for me. i have so much things to say but i wont cause im afraid of hurting you.
yet this whole time you just kept going at it.
and still your afraid to talk to me...wow really its been a month since i've talked to you. i guess you still need your "space" huh.
well have all the space you need then, do whatever you want.
i know you have a lot of things to deal with, so i dont want to be a problem to you anymore.
so do whatever it is you have to do, just forget about me. i told you if i could take your problems away from you i would. i always try so hard with you, but its never enough.
and it just seems like im a continuous problem for you right?
i make your life harder.
wow i must be selfish for saying all this and pushing our problem on you, but if i hadnt brought it back up would we still not be talking.
im trying so hard to mend things idk why.
you were the one to push me away so why am i trying so hard?
it looked like you didnt care you gave up so easily? but yet im still trying to fix things even without your help. i guess its because i really do care for you and im always going to feel this way towards you.
i never judged you and even now im not. every one who tried to help me judged you, yet i find myself always defending you. i dont want to hate you, because i could never.
its okay for you to hate me though, because i did fuck up your life.
im not even that really religious but i find myself praying for you and your family all the time.
so in the end you believe, think, say, judge, whatever what you want of me. i dont care.
im afraid to say it now, thats the one thing that i have become of afraid to come to terms with, so i cant. haha you probably dont want to hear it anyways. cause then id be pushing my feeling on you.
and if you didnt mean it like that what did you mean?
idk im always the one stuck here waiting for answers that i never seem to get.
when i think back to everything, you made me promise to tel you everything so i did, yet you dont ever tell me anything, youd think that id get mad at that, or irritated...but im not you have your reasons, so we'll leve it at that. but yeah im not going to wait for you forever.
and on top of this i'll admit it i caved first, you didnt want to be the one coming to me to fix things so i admit it i caved first. i need you in my life.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
here it is, everything
im going to clear this up now, because like you i hate the misunderstandings....but unlike you im not afraid to let you know what i think. unlike you if i have to tell you something im going to say it. i dont give a fuck anymore if im pushing my fucking feelings because even if i am they dont matter anyways.
first off you may think that no one cares that whatever you do dosent matter. well fuck that.
you dont even know how much i still care about you. its so hard for me to just sit here not being able to talk to you, not being able to see you. and yes i'll admit it, since you keep pushing on the fact before yes i am jelouse of mark, and im always going to be.
kat you just dont get it do you? eveyone keeps telling me that i have to be the one to approach you. i have to be the one to fix things. the truth is how many times did i try? how many times do i have to try? before this all happened, right when i noticed you were growning distant from me i tried so hard to keep things the same. i tred talking to you, i tried spending time with you, i tried everything that i could. but each time you just got mad, and said cant you wait, or i need my space, or i cant get help from anymone till i can help myself. each time i tried to talk to you, you just pushed me away and went back to mark. you know how bad you hurt me?
it dosent even matter anyways. i had to face the fact that you were always going to go back to mark. so i finally gave up on you. after how many times i tried i finally gave up. you win have mark. what i hate most of all is that your going to get hurt again. and you never deserve to get hurt like that. you've always been a good person and a good girlfriend to him. yet he always fucks up and hurts you. i dont see why you keep going back to just withness your own downfall.
its hard for me to try to comprehend why you did this to me, i cant even explain it in words. you dont know how much negative feeling i had towards you for the longest time. but in the end no matter how hard i just tried to forget you i couldnt. because i guess im always going to have the same feelings for you.
i hate having to read that you cant handle this anymore. that no one understands. that no one cares.
no matter what im alwasy going to be here, i promised you that and im never going to break it.
i dont care even if your never there for me. im alwasy here for you.
what do you expect form me?
you want me to fix everything huh? even though i hate to admit it you caused this shit.
you told me we cant talk till your ready, im making your life harder, im pushing my feelings on you?
well all i can say is how do you expect me to fix things when there are so many factors up against me. you havent even tried to talk to me, you havent done shit. you invited me out that one friday and i was hopeing youd talk to me, but you didnt. so thanks i really appreciated that. i dont know whay its so hard for you to talk to me anymore. it was never this hard. i cant wait forever for you to say something.
you may thing it takes time to heal things but if you take no initative time will just keep ticking away.
im done waiting. i had to wait so long that im just fed up with it all.
aimee tried so hard to make me change my mind and let you back in my life. i really didnt want you in my life though...because its like with you i alwasy have to be the one to get hurt, i always end up dissapiointed and left feeling like shit. everytime.
when me you and mark are in the same place i become invisible, and i have to always let you and mark be together. i have to always sacrifice myself for the two of you.
and im fine with it aslong as your happy.
thats all i want for you.
even if you cant be atleast content.
how much more shit do i have to go through.
honestly i dont even care about all the shit you did to me anymore, i guess i deserve it for giving you my all.
so im sorry, im sorry for doing everything.
at this point im just confused about everything, your so lucky you have chantel, mark and whoever.
i have no one else really, cause i cant talk to jo or the other guys. they sided with mark. and i have no girls that i can talk to really, the only other person was my cousin, but shes in cali.
so really thanks for everything, and im sorry.
thats all i have left to say im sorry.
you win i lost hope your happy.
this was what you wanted right? to have someone else to take the blame from you. so you can go ahead and blame me.
first off you may think that no one cares that whatever you do dosent matter. well fuck that.
you dont even know how much i still care about you. its so hard for me to just sit here not being able to talk to you, not being able to see you. and yes i'll admit it, since you keep pushing on the fact before yes i am jelouse of mark, and im always going to be.
kat you just dont get it do you? eveyone keeps telling me that i have to be the one to approach you. i have to be the one to fix things. the truth is how many times did i try? how many times do i have to try? before this all happened, right when i noticed you were growning distant from me i tried so hard to keep things the same. i tred talking to you, i tried spending time with you, i tried everything that i could. but each time you just got mad, and said cant you wait, or i need my space, or i cant get help from anymone till i can help myself. each time i tried to talk to you, you just pushed me away and went back to mark. you know how bad you hurt me?
it dosent even matter anyways. i had to face the fact that you were always going to go back to mark. so i finally gave up on you. after how many times i tried i finally gave up. you win have mark. what i hate most of all is that your going to get hurt again. and you never deserve to get hurt like that. you've always been a good person and a good girlfriend to him. yet he always fucks up and hurts you. i dont see why you keep going back to just withness your own downfall.
its hard for me to try to comprehend why you did this to me, i cant even explain it in words. you dont know how much negative feeling i had towards you for the longest time. but in the end no matter how hard i just tried to forget you i couldnt. because i guess im always going to have the same feelings for you.
i hate having to read that you cant handle this anymore. that no one understands. that no one cares.
no matter what im alwasy going to be here, i promised you that and im never going to break it.
i dont care even if your never there for me. im alwasy here for you.
what do you expect form me?
you want me to fix everything huh? even though i hate to admit it you caused this shit.
you told me we cant talk till your ready, im making your life harder, im pushing my feelings on you?
well all i can say is how do you expect me to fix things when there are so many factors up against me. you havent even tried to talk to me, you havent done shit. you invited me out that one friday and i was hopeing youd talk to me, but you didnt. so thanks i really appreciated that. i dont know whay its so hard for you to talk to me anymore. it was never this hard. i cant wait forever for you to say something.
you may thing it takes time to heal things but if you take no initative time will just keep ticking away.
im done waiting. i had to wait so long that im just fed up with it all.
aimee tried so hard to make me change my mind and let you back in my life. i really didnt want you in my life though...because its like with you i alwasy have to be the one to get hurt, i always end up dissapiointed and left feeling like shit. everytime.
when me you and mark are in the same place i become invisible, and i have to always let you and mark be together. i have to always sacrifice myself for the two of you.
and im fine with it aslong as your happy.
thats all i want for you.
even if you cant be atleast content.
how much more shit do i have to go through.
honestly i dont even care about all the shit you did to me anymore, i guess i deserve it for giving you my all.
so im sorry, im sorry for doing everything.
at this point im just confused about everything, your so lucky you have chantel, mark and whoever.
i have no one else really, cause i cant talk to jo or the other guys. they sided with mark. and i have no girls that i can talk to really, the only other person was my cousin, but shes in cali.
so really thanks for everything, and im sorry.
thats all i have left to say im sorry.
you win i lost hope your happy.
this was what you wanted right? to have someone else to take the blame from you. so you can go ahead and blame me.
your not
one to talk about how people say they care and they leave you hanging...what do you think you did to me?
Monday, May 11, 2009
btw
i fucking care.
how many times do i still need to say this?
i always care about you, even through all this shit.
but i cant let you know cause i dont want to push my fucking feeling on you anymore.
so fuck.
think what you want to think, think no one cares.
how many times do i still need to say this?
i always care about you, even through all this shit.
but i cant let you know cause i dont want to push my fucking feeling on you anymore.
so fuck.
think what you want to think, think no one cares.
hmmm
japan?
so my moms applying for a job there and shes has "hook ups" and we could end up moving there.
maybe its for the better for everyone?
id probably end up living on a base with a bunch of military brats.
but who knows if i end up going it could be a really good experience.
so my moms applying for a job there and shes has "hook ups" and we could end up moving there.
maybe its for the better for everyone?
id probably end up living on a base with a bunch of military brats.
but who knows if i end up going it could be a really good experience.
haha
your never going to know.
you just dont understand and you keep playing this game.
haha kill kill kill.
over and over its a repetative process.
thanks for the lies.
lately i just dont care anymore no point really.
i mean no reason.
you have no idea how far its gone.
you just dont understand and you keep playing this game.
haha kill kill kill.
over and over its a repetative process.
thanks for the lies.
lately i just dont care anymore no point really.
i mean no reason.
you have no idea how far its gone.
so its,
a possibility that im still moving to japan
huh go figure?
mothers day was good :D
work was good too :D
haha good day.
huh go figure?
mothers day was good :D
work was good too :D
haha good day.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
thank
you.
its funny how we arnt close, and we arnt the best of friends either, yet you understand everything that i have told you. i can see that your one of the few people who are real. and i value the friendship that we have.
for the longest time i had no one to talk to, that would understand the words coming out of my mouth.
i mean im thankful to those who were there for me, but it was different. as i explained to them, they took it to heart to understand, but not knowing what i was really going through.
unlike them you knew everything about the subject. especially since your going through with the same problem.
So i wish you the best of luck and that you'll be happy with whatever comes your way.
although i admit that its hard for me, im glad that i was able to find someone who could understand what im going through. no one else tried, or no one else cared too.
i have been left with a void, that im sure wont be filled for a while. and it sucks.
you helped me to understand a few things and it really helped me.
labels are just labels. titles are just titles.
And i ask myself this question?
what did i do to deserve this?
my answer was i did nothing wrong, and thats always punishable
i've relized that people no matter how close or how far, the status they are in your life, it dosent matter to them, people will do whatever it takes to save somehthing they believe to be worth it, even if it ends up not being what they wanted or expected...they will sacrifice anything, no matter the consequence or the people that get hurt. it dosent matter in the end. as long as they see a glimpse of hope, then everything was worth sacrificing for.
but what if there was no hope shinning through? then was it worth it?
its a question that i repeativly think over.
was it worth sacrificing everything you just loss for nothing?
all i have left to say is that im sorry, for whatever it was that i did, im sure i deserved what im getting, and that i miss you. bye
its funny how we arnt close, and we arnt the best of friends either, yet you understand everything that i have told you. i can see that your one of the few people who are real. and i value the friendship that we have.
for the longest time i had no one to talk to, that would understand the words coming out of my mouth.
i mean im thankful to those who were there for me, but it was different. as i explained to them, they took it to heart to understand, but not knowing what i was really going through.
unlike them you knew everything about the subject. especially since your going through with the same problem.
So i wish you the best of luck and that you'll be happy with whatever comes your way.
although i admit that its hard for me, im glad that i was able to find someone who could understand what im going through. no one else tried, or no one else cared too.
i have been left with a void, that im sure wont be filled for a while. and it sucks.
you helped me to understand a few things and it really helped me.
labels are just labels. titles are just titles.
And i ask myself this question?
what did i do to deserve this?
my answer was i did nothing wrong, and thats always punishable
i've relized that people no matter how close or how far, the status they are in your life, it dosent matter to them, people will do whatever it takes to save somehthing they believe to be worth it, even if it ends up not being what they wanted or expected...they will sacrifice anything, no matter the consequence or the people that get hurt. it dosent matter in the end. as long as they see a glimpse of hope, then everything was worth sacrificing for.
but what if there was no hope shinning through? then was it worth it?
its a question that i repeativly think over.
was it worth sacrificing everything you just loss for nothing?
all i have left to say is that im sorry, for whatever it was that i did, im sure i deserved what im getting, and that i miss you. bye
Monday, May 4, 2009
and i just,
think about how things were back then.
life so easy you were always there wathching me.
id go to your room and there you would be.
I remeber just what youd be doing. sitting on a chair next to your bed side playing solitare. then id always look at you and ask you "grandma howcome your frowning?" and youd always say "no its just im not wearing my teeth" even though i knew the answer i would still ask you, just because. i remember having my panic attacks and id always feel most comfortble in your room.
going to times supermarket and your doctor in waipahu and ewa beach. youd always buy kisses and snickers. how after you moved to brother and sister olipas house id come and visit you after school with joey. how you always gave me money if i needed, shopping with you. we used to walk and take the bus all the time. how you would let me stay home from school when i didnt feel good even though mom wanted me to go. you treated me so kindly. i think back to how much you spoiled me. and how i took you for granted. im so sorry.
thinking back to all the things that you did for me, the way you treated me. i really miss you.
we just celebrated your birthday, i hope it was a good one and that your watching over us. everytime we come to visit i always talk to you and tell you evertything, even though its only for such a short time i try to just summarized everything that has happended with me. thank you for everything i really appreciate everything you did for me. i miss you always.
life so easy you were always there wathching me.
id go to your room and there you would be.
I remeber just what youd be doing. sitting on a chair next to your bed side playing solitare. then id always look at you and ask you "grandma howcome your frowning?" and youd always say "no its just im not wearing my teeth" even though i knew the answer i would still ask you, just because. i remember having my panic attacks and id always feel most comfortble in your room.
going to times supermarket and your doctor in waipahu and ewa beach. youd always buy kisses and snickers. how after you moved to brother and sister olipas house id come and visit you after school with joey. how you always gave me money if i needed, shopping with you. we used to walk and take the bus all the time. how you would let me stay home from school when i didnt feel good even though mom wanted me to go. you treated me so kindly. i think back to how much you spoiled me. and how i took you for granted. im so sorry.
thinking back to all the things that you did for me, the way you treated me. i really miss you.
we just celebrated your birthday, i hope it was a good one and that your watching over us. everytime we come to visit i always talk to you and tell you evertything, even though its only for such a short time i try to just summarized everything that has happended with me. thank you for everything i really appreciate everything you did for me. i miss you always.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
today,
was pretty shitty.
since im sick my body hurts,
went to church it was alright lol
;P hmmm?
came home suppose to work but my bodies not up for it.
tried to sleep but today was way to hot.
now i have a quiz to do and a paper :/
i hope i do well on my finals.
since im sick my body hurts,
went to church it was alright lol
;P hmmm?
came home suppose to work but my bodies not up for it.
tried to sleep but today was way to hot.
now i have a quiz to do and a paper :/
i hope i do well on my finals.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Lately,
i havent been the same.
i feel alone.
empty and i feel nothing matters.
one person knows what i mean. its hard to explain.
my lifes not moving to rythm of my beat.
its taken a direction for the worst and i have no control.
when did my life fall?
when did i become alone?
when did i give up?
everythigs dull, lifeless and listless.
change is bothing me, but i take it anyway.
i feel clouded, its hard to move, to take initiative.
and i just leave things be.
its like i have no emotions towards anything.
i feel alone.
empty and i feel nothing matters.
one person knows what i mean. its hard to explain.
my lifes not moving to rythm of my beat.
its taken a direction for the worst and i have no control.
when did my life fall?
when did i become alone?
when did i give up?
everythigs dull, lifeless and listless.
change is bothing me, but i take it anyway.
i feel clouded, its hard to move, to take initiative.
and i just leave things be.
its like i have no emotions towards anything.
Friday, April 17, 2009
i have,
no one like always everyone i care about just leaves me in the dust, so thanks.
goodbye forever.
goodbye forever.
its not worth it,
for me to be like this...i give up. i dont understand what anyone wants from me. all i can say is you better wake up, were waiting for you, you told me once you'd never want to go back to the _______ ward. i know your going to wake up and go back, but i hope this time will be a wake up call, your reality check.
then as for you. you've really dont know whats happended to you? let me explain...you've changed and become the biggest hypocrit that i know. you dont stick to what you say. what happended to you? your not the same. i guess your really stupid huh? no i know your not but you sure are acting like that. i guess you dont see you pushing me away really? haha...i can see your here physically, but mentally and emotionally and as my best friend your not.
when ever you needed me wasnt i always there if i could? when you needed someone when you were feeling your lowest wasnt i there? everytime you two fought who was there to hear your problems?,but when i needed you the most your not there anymore. fucking hypocrit.
when i needed someone to turn to and vent, you wernt there for me. i know you dont want to come back to me to mend things cause your always the one doing it...but i hope you do know the reason why im not doing anything is because im waiting for you. you made it seem like the only time we can work things out is when your ready.
i cant talk to you until your ready to talk, i cant talk to you until im not making your life harder, i cant talk to you because im "always pushing my feeling on you".
you tell me i make your life harder, so how can i approach you? you tell me you need your space, so how can i talk to you? im giving you all the time and space you need yet you use it being with mark.
when you have hardships coming your way i used to be the one to help you and be there....now i cant cause i dont want to be anymore trouble. just go to mark like you always do now. apparently hes the one you wanted the whole time am i right?. and dont say you dont want him because everyone knows you do and i mean everyone. he'll make things better.
then you think that since were not talking anymore that i dont want to be friends with you anymore? yet i've told you many times no matter what happens between us im always going to be here for you. im never leaving, im just a phone call away. i wish i could say the same for you. lately you've shown me that you dont care. and that im fucked for saying all this shit. who told you to read it anyways? i put this shit up cause this is the only place i have left to turn to, since your not here anymore to help me. FUCK!
right now i honestly think your pretty fucked.
how do you expect me to approach you? i cant talk to you, because when we talk its always about what were feeling, thats one of the reasons your my best friend. you were the only person i could talk too. now i cant cause apprently im always pushing my feeling on you, after you told me you wanted to know how i was feeling, hypocrit. right there was you pushing me away.
i have no one to go to anymore, even when your feeling bad and you cant take anymore of it, i was still there to offer my help...yet you declined, and said you needed to help yourself before getting help from anyone. i respect that. id just wish youd be here for me too.
i try so hard to make thing easier for you. i know and you know its hard to have me you and mark in the same area, so i try to stay away from the two of you because i know it would be easier, and i know already and you do too that you'd rather be in a room with mark then me. i want to know how me not being in the same room as you and mark make things more difficult?
your fucked for leading me on this far. i wish you just said you were choosing mark over me again so i could just stop everything i was doing before it started to hurt this bad again. you say you dont want to choose but you already know you want mark, you've always wanted mark. ever since the begining. then you tell me oh no were not going to get back together, and i just want to be on my own yet i know you guys still act like a couple haha im not fucking blind, im not fucking retarted. your a hypocrit.
then you think i dont understand what your going through? well okay i dont i fucking guess, but you dont fucking understand all thsis shit your putting me through do you? how i cant be your bestfriend anymore cause, when i try to act like your best friend i end up opening up and pushing my fucking feeling on you, which you dont fucking like. i cant see you anymore because i dont want you to be asking me if im alright, cause then if i ask you if you really want to know you leave me hanging. and then you tell me you need time to think so i'm just sitting here waiting giving all teh time to think.
right now i know your going through a lot so i understand i fucking really do. i told you i've been faced with this problem to. so i told my self i have to just let you do your own thing cause right now you need to be with your family during this time of hardship. so thats one of the reason why i havent been talking to you.
do you think i like not talking to you, not being able to see you? well tehn fine think whatever you like.
next time think before you say stuff.
and dont say your not pushing me away, when i come to you and offer my help you refuse, and when i need help your not there what kind of a fucking message is that?
fml, and fuck everything,
im out
then as for you. you've really dont know whats happended to you? let me explain...you've changed and become the biggest hypocrit that i know. you dont stick to what you say. what happended to you? your not the same. i guess your really stupid huh? no i know your not but you sure are acting like that. i guess you dont see you pushing me away really? haha...i can see your here physically, but mentally and emotionally and as my best friend your not.
when ever you needed me wasnt i always there if i could? when you needed someone when you were feeling your lowest wasnt i there? everytime you two fought who was there to hear your problems?,but when i needed you the most your not there anymore. fucking hypocrit.
when i needed someone to turn to and vent, you wernt there for me. i know you dont want to come back to me to mend things cause your always the one doing it...but i hope you do know the reason why im not doing anything is because im waiting for you. you made it seem like the only time we can work things out is when your ready.
i cant talk to you until your ready to talk, i cant talk to you until im not making your life harder, i cant talk to you because im "always pushing my feeling on you".
you tell me i make your life harder, so how can i approach you? you tell me you need your space, so how can i talk to you? im giving you all the time and space you need yet you use it being with mark.
when you have hardships coming your way i used to be the one to help you and be there....now i cant cause i dont want to be anymore trouble. just go to mark like you always do now. apparently hes the one you wanted the whole time am i right?. and dont say you dont want him because everyone knows you do and i mean everyone. he'll make things better.
then you think that since were not talking anymore that i dont want to be friends with you anymore? yet i've told you many times no matter what happens between us im always going to be here for you. im never leaving, im just a phone call away. i wish i could say the same for you. lately you've shown me that you dont care. and that im fucked for saying all this shit. who told you to read it anyways? i put this shit up cause this is the only place i have left to turn to, since your not here anymore to help me. FUCK!
right now i honestly think your pretty fucked.
how do you expect me to approach you? i cant talk to you, because when we talk its always about what were feeling, thats one of the reasons your my best friend. you were the only person i could talk too. now i cant cause apprently im always pushing my feeling on you, after you told me you wanted to know how i was feeling, hypocrit. right there was you pushing me away.
i have no one to go to anymore, even when your feeling bad and you cant take anymore of it, i was still there to offer my help...yet you declined, and said you needed to help yourself before getting help from anyone. i respect that. id just wish youd be here for me too.
i try so hard to make thing easier for you. i know and you know its hard to have me you and mark in the same area, so i try to stay away from the two of you because i know it would be easier, and i know already and you do too that you'd rather be in a room with mark then me. i want to know how me not being in the same room as you and mark make things more difficult?
your fucked for leading me on this far. i wish you just said you were choosing mark over me again so i could just stop everything i was doing before it started to hurt this bad again. you say you dont want to choose but you already know you want mark, you've always wanted mark. ever since the begining. then you tell me oh no were not going to get back together, and i just want to be on my own yet i know you guys still act like a couple haha im not fucking blind, im not fucking retarted. your a hypocrit.
then you think i dont understand what your going through? well okay i dont i fucking guess, but you dont fucking understand all thsis shit your putting me through do you? how i cant be your bestfriend anymore cause, when i try to act like your best friend i end up opening up and pushing my fucking feeling on you, which you dont fucking like. i cant see you anymore because i dont want you to be asking me if im alright, cause then if i ask you if you really want to know you leave me hanging. and then you tell me you need time to think so i'm just sitting here waiting giving all teh time to think.
right now i know your going through a lot so i understand i fucking really do. i told you i've been faced with this problem to. so i told my self i have to just let you do your own thing cause right now you need to be with your family during this time of hardship. so thats one of the reason why i havent been talking to you.
do you think i like not talking to you, not being able to see you? well tehn fine think whatever you like.
next time think before you say stuff.
and dont say your not pushing me away, when i come to you and offer my help you refuse, and when i need help your not there what kind of a fucking message is that?
fml, and fuck everything,
im out
Thursday, April 16, 2009
fuck,
everything :), literally my home lifes shit, always getting into trouble....i have a migrain, so i slept it off, then my mom comes in with this shit that i dont do anything. fuck that. fuck everything. i guess they dont now what it feels like to have a fucking migrain? dont they feel useless when they have one?
and you know what just fuck it all. my lifes shit so thanks to all you people that helped make it like this, especailly you.
messed up.
:/
and you know what just fuck it all. my lifes shit so thanks to all you people that helped make it like this, especailly you.
messed up.
:/
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
see you,
later bro. i hope your safe up in chicago during basic and tech. shitty deals lately, everyones been leaving my life, ferns, palaz, dj ken u. but atleast i know they're coming back. unlike you. your leaving me out here. haha whatevers i like the cold. you think your fucking good at holding your feelings in. you think your good at putting a front. lol its funny cause you know that i can see right through it all. i've always been able to. just like you to me. theres nothing you could hide from me. idk why you think you have to. its funny, you may think i dont care, that im putting a front, that im avoiding you and leaving you.
because in reality i do care, im not putting a front, and i am avoiding you because you dont know what your doing to me. you tell me you need space, and i feel im not giving you enough unless i avoid you and let you do your own thing. you dont even want to open up to me. when im the only person that you could ever be real with. so much for that. i hate hypocrites. and im neve going to leave you. but im just waiting till your ready or if you ever will be ready to have me back in your life. cause i miss you, really i do.
because in reality i do care, im not putting a front, and i am avoiding you because you dont know what your doing to me. you tell me you need space, and i feel im not giving you enough unless i avoid you and let you do your own thing. you dont even want to open up to me. when im the only person that you could ever be real with. so much for that. i hate hypocrites. and im neve going to leave you. but im just waiting till your ready or if you ever will be ready to have me back in your life. cause i miss you, really i do.
Monday, April 13, 2009
im disappointed
in you, i cant believe out of all the people in the world youd be the one to do this to me. so much for being my bestfriend? i've never done anything to you as fucked up as you did to me. you lead me on, and to my own downfall. and you just watch me as i fall further and further away. but i guess your good at that. because it seems like your just pushing me away anyways. once im gone, im gone. thanks for everything cause i just love to suffer. whats really fucked was i dont care about all the pain. your always going to be worth it. and im never going to leave you, because i love you. its like you've got a gun pointed at my heart resting on my chest, and you keep pulling the trigger. thanks.
I Still,
love you, and your pushing me away.i guess i learned that it hurts to give someone your all. especially when they dont want it anyways.no progress. i'd just wish you would give me a chance.
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