long long long thoughts. just triggered those neurons.

Sometimes I wonder about all that has happened.This really was your fault and I am blaming you I never thought that my first and best "best friend" would have ended up as my first, love, loss, and the first friend that I ever lost. I wonder how you’re doing sometimes and I catch myself missing you. But after I have evaluated myself on where I stand, I just think I don’t care anymore. I sometimes feel those feeling I have of "missing you" are just fake, that I’m trying to keep myself from feeling like a bad guy for not having any feelings of "missing" you. I really don’t care anymore. I don’t hate you; I don’t dislike you, although to be honest I really dislike chantel. I promised you id never hate you, and promised you id always be there. Till this point I still don’t hate you. I never could. But in all I think I have to be the one to break a promise this time. You’ve broken all our promised, push me to the side, you left first, hurt me first, and done everything you could to break me. To be honest with myself I couldn’t feel anything else except pain for such a long time. Till now I feel empty. Hollow less body that moves around listlessly. You really where what kept my hopes up. Too bad so sad right, well for me that is. This time I have to break a promise, not because I want to, or that I have to. I just am. I can’t be there for you like I always planned on. I wanted to. But I can’t. You were the only person that I have ever felt like this for. You the only person that I could ever do this for. You’re that person that in surveys they ask "someone needs you right away would you help them?" you’re the only person who id rush down for no matter where I was, or what time of day it was. I can’t really explain how I feel about you all I know that right now it’s just nothing. Zero, zip Nada. I don’t know if this was me saying these things. I’m at a point where I have never been. You’re where the first person I ever loved; I experienced that feeling for the first time with you. And here you are being the first person I ever felt this feeling of nothing for. Closest I could ever relate this feeling for is like I have never met you before. That I never even knew you existed. Was I really that bothersome to you? Was I really never even worth it? Was I not good enough? Was I that shitty that I couldn’t even have one chance with you? Till now I feel bad for you all the time. Not because I have pity for you, or that you lost the best"bestfriend" you could ever had. I feel bad because after all these hardships mark still hurts you. Till now your pain still moves my heart. I desperately try to find someone who could make me feel whole again. I thought maybe Lauren could fill that hole. Even Aimee and Stacey. In the end I find that no one could ever match up to what you meant to me. I knew and experienced what it meant to have a best friend. When you lose something like that you can’t just replace it. Or I shouldn’t be one to say because you easily replaced me in a heartbeat. You "always" had chantel, and mark, ants, and even aj....in the end when I was all alone again, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders on me you know who I had. No one. I was alone. Till now I still feel like that. I guess that was what i really feel. i feel so sick with myself. and i'll admit i sometimes wanted to "leave" forever. And at one point I was really hoping to move to Japan, because then I’d be gone. And as the saying goes. "Out of sight out of mind" I don’t even know why I’m writing about this. This stuff hasn’t fazed me since May or June. But for some reason everyone has been bringing you up. I want you to know I don’t hate you. I promised you id never hate you and I intend to keep that. I guess you’re just fucking stupid to think I could ever hate you. Sorry for that profanity but after all these years I thought by now you know, after all the times we’ve talked that I could never hate you. I really don’t know why all of a sudden people just started bring you up again. Btw I want you to hang with us, because everyone we hang with. Their your friends too. They miss you and want you to be around. Even if I’m there ill just do what I do best. Fade away, just so you won’t feel troubled, or stressed on. Even know I still do that....idk why. I guess it’s just became habitual. I really feel for Aimee. How aj moved and all. And I feel and see it in her eyes that she wants us to be friends. But I can’t. I don’t think I could ever be friends with you. It’s not that I don’t want to. But how can you just be friends with someone who you’ve loved for so long? I can’t. I’d like more. And there probably isn’t more. Till know I feel mark still doesn’t deserve you. Till know I still think he deserves zip for all that you've done for him. and that you deserve way more. He put you thru so much. I know he was your first love, and that he’s been there through thick and thin. But that doesn’t justify the actions he’s committed. The pain hes brought to you, those tears that fell from those gorgeous eyes of yours. Or the breath it took for you to finally admit that you loved him. I feel less and less for you every day. Probably because we haven’t talked. I’m not going to talk to you. I’m done trying and trying and trying. You probably say you tried too. But did you really. You might think you did but I mean, I had to talk to you after you "just stopped talking to me". Then when I fixed things between us you still "didn’t talk to me". Then after I fixed that you, "started to talk...but not to me. To that other guy Willie". I finally reach that ultimatum I was waiting for. That thing that would finally decide for me whether to try again or not. Your honestly dumb and stupid and nieve and all that for thinking "not talking” will fix everything. That" not talking" was the best solution. That "not talking" wouldn’t make things worse because, idk if you know this but it made it a lot worse. I never seemed to find flaws in you even till the last day we talked. Or even till the last time that I thought about you before just recently. I know you Kat. I know you’re not that "bitch" you claim to be. And I can handle you, better than anyone else. I know you Kat. You’re the only thing I never forgot about. I really did know you.... I guess you just didn’t know me. You thought you were all these things. But without people there that can honestly tell you who you are. You can’t say that you know yourself for real. Cause you may know your outer appearance, but people like me, whos been there, felt your pain, and seen the real you, know just how you are on the real.