i hate

myself for being weak.

just forget about it. you cant see it so just drop it, i was a fool.
and i can see where your coming from but im sorry, you are making me wait for you, even though you say you arnt. if you cant say it then im forced to wait for you. you think your the only one afraid, i had the hardest time opening up to you. fuck you made me promise to be open with you, and you know what? i did, because you were worth it always. if this is how you want to play it out fine.

you know what,

just do whatever you want to do, i tried but your just not ready, you dont want me to push you away fine whatever, just....idk already.
you still dont understand what im trying to get across to you.

so im guessing

your lucky atleast you have chantel.
and i know i should have approached you firsts when we fought before, so im sorry. but this time i came up first, and i dont care, because i need you on my life
and you dont want to hurt me anymore well its kinda too late already you did it so many times so dont worry about it anymore, its just shit...and i guess your just going to make me wait until you can talk to me huh?
fine whatever.

all i have to say.

is i only comapred myself to him because you always said i was, so eventually i did.
i gave you your space because i knew you really needed it because i did understand what you were going through, i knew you needed your own time and space so i backed off.
but the thing is while i backed off you got close to mark again. and dont say you didnt, everyone saw it and i mean everyone.
i like how you pushed me away and got close to mark again, cause that really showed me a lot of shit.
oh yeah and i like how you say you didnt want to hurt anyone...so you hurt me twice?

you thought that i was selfish, because i didnt understand what you were going through, and i just kept pushing our problem on you when you had so much already to deal with right? it funny because the reason i blew up that time was because i was waiting for you for 3 weeks to say something to me. so im guessing its alright for you to blow up in my face and its not okay for me. i have so much things to say but i wont cause im afraid of hurting you.
yet this whole time you just kept going at it.
and still your afraid to talk to me...wow really its been a month since i've talked to you. i guess you still need your "space" huh.
well have all the space you need then, do whatever you want.
i know you have a lot of things to deal with, so i dont want to be a problem to you anymore.
so do whatever it is you have to do, just forget about me. i told you if i could take your problems away from you i would. i always try so hard with you, but its never enough.
and it just seems like im a continuous problem for you right?
i make your life harder.
wow i must be selfish for saying all this and pushing our problem on you, but if i hadnt brought it back up would we still not be talking.
im trying so hard to mend things idk why.
you were the one to push me away so why am i trying so hard?
it looked like you didnt care you gave up so easily? but yet im still trying to fix things even without your help. i guess its because i really do care for you and im always going to feel this way towards you.
i never judged you and even now im not. every one who tried to help me judged you, yet i find myself always defending you. i dont want to hate you, because i could never.
its okay for you to hate me though, because i did fuck up your life.

im not even that really religious but i find myself praying for you and your family all the time.
so in the end you believe, think, say, judge, whatever what you want of me. i dont care.
im afraid to say it now, thats the one thing that i have become of afraid to come to terms with, so i cant. haha you probably dont want to hear it anyways. cause then id be pushing my feeling on you.
and if you didnt mean it like that what did you mean?
idk im always the one stuck here waiting for answers that i never seem to get.
when i think back to everything, you made me promise to tel you everything so i did, yet you dont ever tell me anything, youd think that id get mad at that, or irritated...but im not you have your reasons, so we'll leve it at that. but yeah im not going to wait for you forever.
and on top of this i'll admit it i caved first, you didnt want to be the one coming to me to fix things so i admit it i caved first. i need you in my life.

here it is, everything

im going to clear this up now, because like you i hate the misunderstandings....but unlike you im not afraid to let you know what i think. unlike you if i have to tell you something im going to say it. i dont give a fuck anymore if im pushing my fucking feelings because even if i am they dont matter anyways.
first off you may think that no one cares that whatever you do dosent matter. well fuck that.
you dont even know how much i still care about you. its so hard for me to just sit here not being able to talk to you, not being able to see you. and yes i'll admit it, since you keep pushing on the fact before yes i am jelouse of mark, and im always going to be.
kat you just dont get it do you? eveyone keeps telling me that i have to be the one to approach you. i have to be the one to fix things. the truth is how many times did i try? how many times do i have to try? before this all happened, right when i noticed you were growning distant from me i tried so hard to keep things the same. i tred talking to you, i tried spending time with you, i tried everything that i could. but each time you just got mad, and said cant you wait, or i need my space, or i cant get help from anymone till i can help myself. each time i tried to talk to you, you just pushed me away and went back to mark. you know how bad you hurt me?
it dosent even matter anyways. i had to face the fact that you were always going to go back to mark. so i finally gave up on you. after how many times i tried i finally gave up. you win have mark. what i hate most of all is that your going to get hurt again. and you never deserve to get hurt like that. you've always been a good person and a good girlfriend to him. yet he always fucks up and hurts you. i dont see why you keep going back to just withness your own downfall.

its hard for me to try to comprehend why you did this to me, i cant even explain it in words. you dont know how much negative feeling i had towards you for the longest time. but in the end no matter how hard i just tried to forget you i couldnt. because i guess im always going to have the same feelings for you.
i hate having to read that you cant handle this anymore. that no one understands. that no one cares.
no matter what im alwasy going to be here, i promised you that and im never going to break it.
i dont care even if your never there for me. im alwasy here for you.

what do you expect form me?
you want me to fix everything huh? even though i hate to admit it you caused this shit.
you told me we cant talk till your ready, im making your life harder, im pushing my feelings on you?
well all i can say is how do you expect me to fix things when there are so many factors up against me. you havent even tried to talk to me, you havent done shit. you invited me out that one friday and i was hopeing youd talk to me, but you didnt. so thanks i really appreciated that. i dont know whay its so hard for you to talk to me anymore. it was never this hard. i cant wait forever for you to say something.
you may thing it takes time to heal things but if you take no initative time will just keep ticking away.
im done waiting. i had to wait so long that im just fed up with it all.
aimee tried so hard to make me change my mind and let you back in my life. i really didnt want you in my life though...because its like with you i alwasy have to be the one to get hurt, i always end up dissapiointed and left feeling like shit. everytime.
when me you and mark are in the same place i become invisible, and i have to always let you and mark be together. i have to always sacrifice myself for the two of you.
and im fine with it aslong as your happy.
thats all i want for you.
even if you cant be atleast content.
how much more shit do i have to go through.
honestly i dont even care about all the shit you did to me anymore, i guess i deserve it for giving you my all.
so im sorry, im sorry for doing everything.
at this point im just confused about everything, your so lucky you have chantel, mark and whoever.
i have no one else really, cause i cant talk to jo or the other guys. they sided with mark. and i have no girls that i can talk to really, the only other person was my cousin, but shes in cali.
so really thanks for everything, and im sorry.
thats all i have left to say im sorry.
you win i lost hope your happy.
this was what you wanted right? to have someone else to take the blame from you. so you can go ahead and blame me.

your not

one to talk about how people say they care and they leave you hanging...what do you think you did to me?

its

best if i just leave you alone from now on.
dont worry ill be gone in no time

btw

i fucking care.
how many times do i still need to say this?
i always care about you, even through all this shit.
but i cant let you know cause i dont want to push my fucking feeling on you anymore.
so fuck.
think what you want to think, think no one cares.

hmmm

japan?
so my moms applying for a job there and shes has "hook ups" and we could end up moving there.
maybe its for the better for everyone?
id probably end up living on a base with a bunch of military brats.
but who knows if i end up going it could be a really good experience.

haha

your never going to know.
you just dont understand and you keep playing this game.
haha kill kill kill.
over and over its a repetative process.
thanks for the lies.
lately i just dont care anymore no point really.
i mean no reason.
you have no idea how far its gone.

so its,

a possibility that im still moving to japan
huh go figure?
mothers day was good :D
work was good too :D
haha good day.

thank

you.
its funny how we arnt close, and we arnt the best of friends either, yet you understand everything that i have told you. i can see that your one of the few people who are real. and i value the friendship that we have.
for the longest time i had no one to talk to, that would understand the words coming out of my mouth.
i mean im thankful to those who were there for me, but it was different. as i explained to them, they took it to heart to understand, but not knowing what i was really going through.
unlike them you knew everything about the subject. especially since your going through with the same problem.
So i wish you the best of luck and that you'll be happy with whatever comes your way.

although i admit that its hard for me, im glad that i was able to find someone who could understand what im going through. no one else tried, or no one else cared too.
i have been left with a void, that im sure wont be filled for a while. and it sucks.
you helped me to understand a few things and it really helped me.
labels are just labels. titles are just titles.



And i ask myself this question?
what did i do to deserve this?
my answer was i did nothing wrong, and thats always punishable

i've relized that people no matter how close or how far, the status they are in your life, it dosent matter to them, people will do whatever it takes to save somehthing they believe to be worth it, even if it ends up not being what they wanted or expected...they will sacrifice anything, no matter the consequence or the people that get hurt. it dosent matter in the end. as long as they see a glimpse of hope, then everything was worth sacrificing for.
but what if there was no hope shinning through? then was it worth it?
its a question that i repeativly think over.
was it worth sacrificing everything you just loss for nothing?

all i have left to say is that im sorry, for whatever it was that i did, im sure i deserved what im getting, and that i miss you. bye

giving

up.

and i just,

think about how things were back then.
life so easy you were always there wathching me.
id go to your room and there you would be.
I remeber just what youd be doing. sitting on a chair next to your bed side playing solitare. then id always look at you and ask you "grandma howcome your frowning?" and youd always say "no its just im not wearing my teeth" even though i knew the answer i would still ask you, just because. i remember having my panic attacks and id always feel most comfortble in your room.
going to times supermarket and your doctor in waipahu and ewa beach. youd always buy kisses and snickers. how after you moved to brother and sister olipas house id come and visit you after school with joey. how you always gave me money if i needed, shopping with you. we used to walk and take the bus all the time. how you would let me stay home from school when i didnt feel good even though mom wanted me to go. you treated me so kindly. i think back to how much you spoiled me. and how i took you for granted. im so sorry.
thinking back to all the things that you did for me, the way you treated me. i really miss you.
we just celebrated your birthday, i hope it was a good one and that your watching over us. everytime we come to visit i always talk to you and tell you evertything, even though its only for such a short time i try to just summarized everything that has happended with me. thank you for everything i really appreciate everything you did for me. i miss you always.

today,

was pretty shitty.
since im sick my body hurts,
went to church it was alright lol
;P hmmm?
came home suppose to work but my bodies not up for it.
tried to sleep but today was way to hot.
now i have a quiz to do and a paper :/
i hope i do well on my finals.

i guess,

i was wrong...

okay bye.