Lately,

i havent been the same.
i feel alone.
empty and i feel nothing matters.
one person knows what i mean. its hard to explain.
my lifes not moving to rythm of my beat.
its taken a direction for the worst and i have no control.
when did my life fall?
when did i become alone?
when did i give up?
everythigs dull, lifeless and listless.
change is bothing me, but i take it anyway.
i feel clouded, its hard to move, to take initiative.
and i just leave things be.
its like i have no emotions towards anything.

i have,

no one like always everyone i care about just leaves me in the dust, so thanks.
goodbye forever.

its not worth it,

for me to be like this...i give up. i dont understand what anyone wants from me. all i can say is you better wake up, were waiting for you, you told me once you'd never want to go back to the _______ ward. i know your going to wake up and go back, but i hope this time will be a wake up call, your reality check.

then as for you. you've really dont know whats happended to you? let me explain...you've changed and become the biggest hypocrit that i know. you dont stick to what you say. what happended to you? your not the same. i guess your really stupid huh? no i know your not but you sure are acting like that. i guess you dont see you pushing me away really? haha...i can see your here physically, but mentally and emotionally and as my best friend your not.

when ever you needed me wasnt i always there if i could? when you needed someone when you were feeling your lowest wasnt i there? everytime you two fought who was there to hear your problems?,but when i needed you the most your not there anymore. fucking hypocrit.
when i needed someone to turn to and vent, you wernt there for me. i know you dont want to come back to me to mend things cause your always the one doing it...but i hope you do know the reason why im not doing anything is because im waiting for you. you made it seem like the only time we can work things out is when your ready.

i cant talk to you until your ready to talk, i cant talk to you until im not making your life harder, i cant talk to you because im "always pushing my feeling on you".
you tell me i make your life harder, so how can i approach you? you tell me you need your space, so how can i talk to you? im giving you all the time and space you need yet you use it being with mark.

when you have hardships coming your way i used to be the one to help you and be there....now i cant cause i dont want to be anymore trouble. just go to mark like you always do now. apparently hes the one you wanted the whole time am i right?. and dont say you dont want him because everyone knows you do and i mean everyone. he'll make things better.

then you think that since were not talking anymore that i dont want to be friends with you anymore? yet i've told you many times no matter what happens between us im always going to be here for you. im never leaving, im just a phone call away. i wish i could say the same for you. lately you've shown me that you dont care. and that im fucked for saying all this shit. who told you to read it anyways? i put this shit up cause this is the only place i have left to turn to, since your not here anymore to help me. FUCK!

right now i honestly think your pretty fucked.
how do you expect me to approach you? i cant talk to you, because when we talk its always about what were feeling, thats one of the reasons your my best friend. you were the only person i could talk too. now i cant cause apprently im always pushing my feeling on you, after you told me you wanted to know how i was feeling, hypocrit. right there was you pushing me away.
i have no one to go to anymore, even when your feeling bad and you cant take anymore of it, i was still there to offer my help...yet you declined, and said you needed to help yourself before getting help from anyone. i respect that. id just wish youd be here for me too.

i try so hard to make thing easier for you. i know and you know its hard to have me you and mark in the same area, so i try to stay away from the two of you because i know it would be easier, and i know already and you do too that you'd rather be in a room with mark then me. i want to know how me not being in the same room as you and mark make things more difficult?

your fucked for leading me on this far. i wish you just said you were choosing mark over me again so i could just stop everything i was doing before it started to hurt this bad again. you say you dont want to choose but you already know you want mark, you've always wanted mark. ever since the begining. then you tell me oh no were not going to get back together, and i just want to be on my own yet i know you guys still act like a couple haha im not fucking blind, im not fucking retarted. your a hypocrit.

then you think i dont understand what your going through? well okay i dont i fucking guess, but you dont fucking understand all thsis shit your putting me through do you? how i cant be your bestfriend anymore cause, when i try to act like your best friend i end up opening up and pushing my fucking feeling on you, which you dont fucking like. i cant see you anymore because i dont want you to be asking me if im alright, cause then if i ask you if you really want to know you leave me hanging. and then you tell me you need time to think so i'm just sitting here waiting giving all teh time to think.

right now i know your going through a lot so i understand i fucking really do. i told you i've been faced with this problem to. so i told my self i have to just let you do your own thing cause right now you need to be with your family during this time of hardship. so thats one of the reason why i havent been talking to you.
do you think i like not talking to you, not being able to see you? well tehn fine think whatever you like.

next time think before you say stuff.
and dont say your not pushing me away, when i come to you and offer my help you refuse, and when i need help your not there what kind of a fucking message is that?

fml, and fuck everything,
im out

fuck,

everything :), literally my home lifes shit, always getting into trouble....i have a migrain, so i slept it off, then my mom comes in with this shit that i dont do anything. fuck that. fuck everything. i guess they dont now what it feels like to have a fucking migrain? dont they feel useless when they have one?
and you know what just fuck it all. my lifes shit so thanks to all you people that helped make it like this, especailly you.
messed up.
:/

i

need somebody, anybody...
:'(

see you,

later bro. i hope your safe up in chicago during basic and tech. shitty deals lately, everyones been leaving my life, ferns, palaz, dj ken u. but atleast i know they're coming back. unlike you. your leaving me out here. haha whatevers i like the cold. you think your fucking good at holding your feelings in. you think your good at putting a front. lol its funny cause you know that i can see right through it all. i've always been able to. just like you to me. theres nothing you could hide from me. idk why you think you have to. its funny, you may think i dont care, that im putting a front, that im avoiding you and leaving you.

because in reality i do care, im not putting a front, and i am avoiding you because you dont know what your doing to me. you tell me you need space, and i feel im not giving you enough unless i avoid you and let you do your own thing. you dont even want to open up to me. when im the only person that you could ever be real with. so much for that. i hate hypocrites. and im neve going to leave you. but im just waiting till your ready or if you ever will be ready to have me back in your life. cause i miss you, really i do.

im disappointed

in you, i cant believe out of all the people in the world youd be the one to do this to me. so much for being my bestfriend? i've never done anything to you as fucked up as you did to me. you lead me on, and to my own downfall. and you just watch me as i fall further and further away. but i guess your good at that. because it seems like your just pushing me away anyways. once im gone, im gone. thanks for everything cause i just love to suffer. whats really fucked was i dont care about all the pain. your always going to be worth it. and im never going to leave you, because i love you. its like you've got a gun pointed at my heart resting on my chest, and you keep pulling the trigger. thanks.

I Still,

love you, and your pushing me away.i guess i learned that it hurts to give someone your all. especially when they dont want it anyways.no progress. i'd just wish you would give me a chance.